Rant. Level: Extreme. It's like being in high school

Rant Warning: This is a pretty angry rant. Won't do you much good if you're offended by the word fuck.
End of public announcement

Fucking fucking fuck.

I started to blog as a way to vent, and I've been wanting to do this for ages, so here it goes.

I'm so sick of all the bloody paraphernalia that goes with blogging. It's (I was going to say "ironic" but NO Alanis, meeting the man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife is not IRONIC, it's just dumb fucking luck). Anyway, it's pathetic I suppose that I'm bitching about blogging on a blog, but there you go. I am pathetic.

It's seems that when I started this blog a few months ago, it was just about the blog. And all the blogs I stumbled across themselves where just about "the blog". Now though it's all about the listings, and the voting, and whose got links to who and who is best "blogging buddies" with whom, and whose blog is "blog of the day" on one of the billion sites that exist now so they can make revenue on advertisement OR make money on auctioning that title. You can't open a blog these days without the 50 odd links to "link sites" or "Vote for me!" icons, or blog rolls, or other fucking crap like that.

I only visit a handful of sites, and few of them are personal ones. The thing is, a couple of months ago, I managed to get linked by a few people, none of who I knew, but I thought "fantastic! someone's reading my crap! someone likes me!". I know that the way to keep "buddies" is to then visit their sites and leave copious amounts of comments. The problem is that I'm just not a comment kind of girl. I like to read a blog, have a laugh at what they've said, then leave. If I really like what they've said I'll leave a note. And because I do most of this (ssshh) in the office, I don't have masses and masses of time it seems you need to do the comments and the chatting and the network, blah blah blah. And this works completely against my favour, because now I'm finding that the people who used to link me have removed me. Cast me aside, and thrown me out, like I'm some sort of insane, rich aunt who used to be good to know because they'd buy you ponies and houses, but now they've lost all their money and their marbles have well and truly gone, so they get ignored and tossed out on the street. For some reason, these people whom I don't even know, have made me feel like shit. Which is SHIT, because, for fucks sake it's a fucking href on a fucking BLOG.

So I'm pissed off. I am really pissed off. I wish I had the time to sit there at night, read all my "buddies" daily posts, leave a message. But I can't. And that's not the sort of attitude that will make you popular in the blogging world is it? No Siree Bob.

The annoying thing is that I like getting comments, I like being read. And because I'm essentially lazy, this has definitely bit me in the arse. Is anyone else out there pissed off about this? The thing is, if I get down the root of the problem, I'm angry with myself for being this upset about something that is such a none event, because my pathetic low self esteem is in desperate need of the approval of people I don't even know. "Can you like me again? oh can you? I'm a bit chubby, and a geek, but pretty, pretty please, if you get to know me, I'm sure you'll like me. " It's just like being in high school again, when you're trying to hang out with a group (who I might add, weren't even the cool group at school), but you end up having one of them tell you they'll race you back to the playground only if you go the long way, and when you get there they're pointing and laughing at you and then they scatter as far away as possible, leaving you there like a sado billy-no-mates. And then you end up crying your eyes out in meditation class, desperately hoping they can't hear you, but knowing they can because they're giggling. And yes, I know that's exactly what it feels like because Emily and her friends in year 7 did that very thing to me. Bunch of bitchy catholic school girls.

Wow. What a rant. I started this blog so I could stop having to pander to all the people in my real life and bottle all these crappy feelings of worthlessness inside until they explode out of every pore like some sort of disgusting disease. So fuck it I'm gonna start doing that again.

And yet, I still know that I'll keep trying to do stupid things like remembering to add "blogroll" to this site. Why? Because I am fucking, fucking pathetic. And there's always room for me to be angry at myself for that.