Friday, August 03, 2007

My 4 Point Plan to Becoming the most despised woman in your company

Sick of being liked at work? Want completely bitchy people to bitch about you and abuse you on the phone for something that is entirely their own fault? Want to feel like shite about yourself? If you too want to feel like this, then follow my 4 point, guaranteed or your money back, plan. Trust me, unlike fad diet pills, this plan will get you results in 4 weeks or less!
  1. Volunteer to help run social committee or club. A social club at work which takes every employees contribution of a WHOPPING £4 per month. For this £4 per month, the social club will organise events like theatre trips, quiz nights, nights at the races with dinner, a huge open bar and dinner Christmas party AND a summer party. Yup, for only £4 a month, they can go to ALL of these events if they say they want to go to them in time, because for only £4 a month, the budget is pretty tight, and if you're one of the organisers, you have to try to get the best deal possible for the tiny amount of cash you get to organise these events. Remember though: to make this plan work properly you have to VOLUNTEER to do this, so this isn't part of your job, you don't get paid extra and you do all the work, like finding venues, making tickets, creating posters on your own time.

  2. Organise the summer party. Don't just organise it at a crappy bar. Try to do something really cool, like go to the Roof Gardens in west London. Know that, because this is an expensive venue, there is a limit to the number of people who can go. Also realise that you've broken the 3 cardinal rules of social events: having it on a Friday, having it far from the office, asking people to pay £10 to come. Realise that the number of people that can go to this year's party is only 6 less than last year's summer party. To make it fair, ask people months in advance if they prefer an expensive venue, with limited number of people, or a cheaper venue where everyone can go. When everyone says "EXPENSIVE VENUE EXPENSIVE VENUE!", go on ahead an organise it. Make everyone aware they have to get tickets early because not everyone can go. Everyone will say that's fine.
    Find out after you've started organising, that the venue is owned by Richard Branson, and is the haunt to many celebrates on Friday nights. Find out after you've organised it for some reason it's in loads of London papers and is getting brilliant reviews for it's multi million pound refurbishment.
    Careful: You'll be stressed because a) you hope people will come and you've not just spunked the limited resources on an event no one will go to because of the 3 broken cardinal rules. Allow guests to come because guests can always go to the summer party, and what if you don't sell enough tickets? Careful: You may also start to feel kinda good you're organising a really cool do for your company... hope fervently people will like it.

  3. Run out of tickets. Oh yes. It's a popular event now. People request tickets thick and fast. Run out of tickets within 3 weeks. Reneg on your flatmate after she offers to give up her ticket and you say "no don't worry about it, guests can come, so you can be my guest", and ask her if she can give up her ticket for someone else. Feel bad you have to do that. Tell people who ask now they have to go on a waiting list. Scrimp and save and try to find money for extra tickets. Find only enough money for 3 more places.

  4. Have people call you on the phone to yell at you. You're almost there! Answer calls from women on other floors who are livid there aren't any tickets for them. Have them scream that you should not have allowed guests. Have them yell and say "why are we subsidising other people?". Point out that even if all 10 guests don't come, they still couldn't go because they did ask for a ticket early enough, and all the people on the waiting list would have got those tickets first. Remember: they're now going to be irrational and say things like "well, I work on site 3 days a week so didn't see my email". Point out they've had 3 weeks to ask for tickets. Don't point out you yourself worked on site for 4 bloody years, one of which was overseas so you never went to social events that year, and that not being in the office doesn't mean you can't read your fucking emails, because you managed to do it. Don't point out they must be completely unprofessional if they don't check their emails on site. Don't point out they must be completely lazy for not getting in early enough. Don't point out the world doesn't revolve around their arses, so just because they want a ticket doesn't mean they can get one. Don't call them back when they slam the phone down on you mid conversation to ask them "I'm sorry, are you 6 years old? Grow up".

  5. Have same people bitch to everyone in company. Now you'll get other people coming and asking you the same questions. You'll get managing directors asking you "so, what's happening with the summer party? I hear things aren't going well?". Have people talk about you behind your back to other people on the social committee, who of course tell you what's being said. Have them get into heated arguments in pubs about how poorly organised it was, because they can't get a ticket. Have people call you up every single fucking day to talk about it. Start to feel worse and worse about yourself. Very quietly cry at desk.

Congratulations! You've achieved your goal! That's it! 4 simple steps. Guaranteed or your money back. Do these things, and you'll experience low self esteem and be the object of hate by pig dogs, who are too self important to think they need to follow rules, always bitch how they know how to do somethings better, and are too fucking lazy to get off their fat arses to join the social committee themselves and organise something. Well done you.


Anonymous said...

Why when other people are clearly in the wrong do you always end up coming off worst, for instance. First live in a really nice house by the sea, somewhere that people visit often and park their cars overhanging your drive. You can deal with that. However when a gaggle of 50 something cows from Fulham and Hammersmith come down to the beach for the day and dump their cheap 4x4 (a Vauxhall version!) not overhanging your drive but completely in the middle of it from 13.00 to 20.30 you're a little miffed. You're patient though and report it to the police at 19.30 when they advise you to put a note on it to say you've reported them with the reference number. They come back and call the police themselves accusing you of scratching their car. I'm not sure post it note can do that kind of damage and end up with the policeman taking your details !
Why oh why do the innocent suffer !

Trying to "Panda" said...

Those women probably are the same ones that work downstairs!!! Unbe-fucking-lievable.

Anonymous said...

I wish I had scratched their car !
Seriously it their loss and if they can't be bothered to get a ticket more fool them. Or as the band says No Money No Comey

Mayren said...

OMG you are getting the raw end of the deal at work Panda. *big huggles* Somtimes volunteering just isn't safe.