Not quite the usual Hallmark message...

Going to a wedding tomorrow. The thing that I hate the MOST though isn't the hour long service, or the sitting with complete strangers at the reception (I've been to receptions before where I've pretended to be a lion tamer, but that's a whole other blog). No, the thing I hate the most is having to write on the card that goes to the happy couple (who are usually too interested in the gift that you've given them, rather than any sentiments on the card).

I want to write this:

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

Seems to be lacking some love though huh...

Bring Me Food. Now. (a.k.a May I have another bag of pork scratchings please?)

I'm not diabetic, nor do I think I'm hypoglycemic [A quick aside: having just read the wikipedia definition, I'm a bit concerned about this sentence:

"Hypoglycemia can produce a variety of symptoms and effects but the principal problems arise from an inadequate supply of glucose as fuel to the brain, resulting in impairment of function (neuroglycopenia). Derangements of function can range from vaguely "feeling bad" to coma and (rarely) death."

Derangements?? Death?? Eek!]

However, whenever I am in a really bad, filthy, wanting to throw puppies down cellars and leave them there because they'll only grow up to be emotionally dependent animals, I find that having a bit to eat calms me down right away (ok, so maybe I am a bit hypoglycemic). So after being in a foul temper all morning, which included:

a) shouting at people, for no other visible reason than they were sitting there breathing
b) turning into Godzilla, and throwing a massive 410 page spec at my desk and smashing the stack of paper dividers that I carefully arrange on my desk to look like city skylines when I'm bored.

I went out to get lunch, mostly so I could swear quite loudly (including using the words "dog-fucking wanker") without being asked into a meeting about my anger management issues, and 5 minutes after I'd eaten found that I'm in a much calmer mood.

So when I asked someone to bring me something else to eat, I found out how superficial computer geeks can be:

Me: "So why can't I have anything else to eat"
Geek: "You can't sit there eating all day you know"
Me: "Why not? Why is it not socially acceptable to sit and eat bags and bags of pork scratchings, until you become so lardy that they have to airlift you out of your house, and you need to wash yourself with a cloth on a stick?"
Geek: "Because if you ended up like that, we won't like you anymore. We really are that shallow"

Nice.

Too Bitchy? You decide

My flat mate have known each other since uni, and we've now been living together for the last 5 years. We've gone through this whole process of moving to Britain together, making friends together, Christmases, New Years, family disasters, deaths, the whole lot. Now he has decided that he's had enough of the UK and is leaving me to go home to oz in a few months time, and after 5 years living together, this is our last year for things (you know, last Christmas was THE last Christmas, last New Year's was THE LAST new years, etc, etc, you get the idea).

At the moment, he is traveling around France with his brother, sister-in-law and baby, so this is the first time in the last 6 years he hasn't been around for my birthday, which to be honest I was quite miffed about.

Having heard nothing from him all Sunday (or weekend actually), I sent him a text asking him some inane question, to which he replied with "will be home Tuesday, off to Paris on Friday".

That's it.

Nothing else.

Nothing even remotely like:
"Hope you will HAVE a happy birthday"
or "Hope you are HAVING a happy birthday"
or even "Hope you HAD a happy birthday".

Nothing.
Nada.
Ziltch.

So when I get a text this morning with only "landing at 10pm tonight" I'm considering replying with one of the following responses. Too bitchy? Answers on a postcard:

Response 1: "Ok, won't cook you dinner. Birthday was good, thanks for asking. Oh wait. You didn't"

Response 2: "Ok, will forget to cook you dinner. Like you forgot my birthday. Thanks"

Response 3: "Why don't you fuck off you bastard, since clearly you've completely forgotten. Btw, I've cleaned out your room, and you can go home to Oz this week if you like"

Yes, I'm pathetic. Yes I'm needy. But man, I'm pretty pissed off too.

Feeling guilty today about

Always taking the seaweed covered rice crackers from my friend's rice cracker multi-pack. Always going back for at least 3 in a day. Feel guilty because there could be, at most, 4 of the seaweed ones per pack...

My Current Play List:

Title: "So Cheesy I Need Crackers"

• Groove is in the Heart - by Dee Lite (We're going to dance, We're going to dance, We're going to dance, and have some fun.... dig...)
• Gold - by Spandau Ballet (What does the phrase "These are my salad days" mean anyway?)
• Leave A Light On For Me - by Belinda Carlisle (Not as good as Summer Rain, but I don't have a copy of that).
• I Say A Little Prayer - by Aretha Franklin (even though I only ever see Rupert Evert singing it to Julia Roberts in that film, whilst those waiters in the back wave their arms in the air with big lobsters mits on)
• Doctor Worm - by They Might Be Giants (Good morning how are you? I'm doctor worm. I'm interested in things, I'm not a real doctor but I am a real worm, an actual worm, I live like a worm. How does this NOT make you laugh??)

I have no shame.

Hippo Birdy to Me

Usually, at about 12.30 in the day, I'm in a pretty filthy mood.

Not today though. It's my birthday in a few days, and I've just got the most BEAUTIFUL bunch of flowers from my folks (who are about as far away from me as you can possibly get, on the other side of the world), and I've eaten my way through the most deliciously sweet chocolate eclair, and I'm a bit sleep deprived (due to my best friend from Oz arrive at 5.30 this morning and having to pick her up from the station, and clean my house with the slightest of hangovers) I'm in the BEST mood I've been in ages.

I'd do a top ten reasons for why people should have birthday seasons, and not just celebrate them on the day, but I also can't be bothered. Here are just a few though:

1) You get an excuse to eat your way through all your favorite cakes from the local bakery
2) You get an excuse to be able to buy those crispy creme donuts (that's a whole other post right there... )
3) People have to treat you nicely, as it's your birthday.
4) You dont' have to feel too guilty about the fact that you're showing just how self obsessed you are (everyone's self obsessed, I don't care what you think).

Hippo Birdy to Me

Madonna: These lyrics make you sound like a dork.

Dear Madge,

I just wanna tell you that I love parts of your new album/era/recent revival (those pink tights are kinda cool and I really do like your 70's Charlies Angel's hairdo), and I congratulate you on winning that Brit award last night. But now that you've been singled out by the public and your peers for your new album, I feel it's time I asked you the question that's been burning on my brain since the first time I listened to your song "I love New York". Why did you feel the need to mash these lyrics together?

I Love New York

"I don't like cities
but I like New York.
Other places
make me feel like a dork"

Come on? A quick check on a rhyming dictionary (or don't 'serious' artists use rhyming dictionaries?) surely you could have used one of the following?:

"I don't like cities
but I like New York.
I think I'd like it more
if I was with Mickey Rorke"

or

"I don't like cities
but I like New York.
Almost as much as
a good slice of pork"

or

"I don't like cities
but I like New York.
Before I sing I
will use a tuning fork"

Yes, these are all a MASSIVE stretch, but then so is the use of the word "dork". Another throw back to the 70's?

Other than that Madge, love your new stuff. Well done you.

"Well, children, our new ultra-hard PostCherfect chairs have arrived"

"I know they seem a little uncomfortable right now, but eventually your bones will change shape"

I've found someone's long forgotten ergonomic chair (those ones where you kneel on the little stand on the front, and it has no arms or back) , which has been left on the top shelf of a cabinet since the ages of, oh, I don't know, Babylon, and thought "I know, this will make me feel so much more comfortable at work", only to work out that there is a reason why this chair has been left untouched for decades.

It fucking hurts.

Not my back, or my neck, or even my knees, but my shins where the end of the kneeling bit digs into them. After a while I start to lose feeling in my lower legs, and when I try to get up, I have to cling on to desks to stop myself collapsing on the ground like a harpooned seal. Now i'm contemplating going back to my old chair studded with ultra sharp nails, to relieve myself of this posturological hell. No wonder the ergonomic movement died in the 90's.

Long live slouching.

My "Funny" Valentine

This has to be the scariest valentines picture I've ever seen.

Not only is Frank from East Enders naked apart from a rotating bow tie, he also looks like he's just discovering out the benefits of a high fiber diet there and then.

Note: Turning up naked with only a bow tie is neither romantic nor sexy. Ever.

St Valentine's must be spinning in his grave.

Reasons I've Discovered That "Me Time" Is Wasted On People Like Me

I hear over and over again people say "Take a little bit of time to be by yourself. Use the time to reflect and relax. Just getting away from the world for a while will make you feel refreshed, and like a phoenix rising from the ashes, you'll be ready to take on the world again".

This week, I have the house all to myself, since my flat mate has abandoned me on my birthday week, to go gallivanting around France and Italy for the Olympics. So on my first night, yes, I've got all the remote controls in easy reach, yes I can watch Desperate Housewives and American Idol without hearing "WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS CRAP?" (because I like it, I'm not ashamed), yes, I have a lovely bottle of wine chilling in the fridge ready for me to consume at a moments notice, and yes, I even have the obligatory scented candles wafting lovely scents around the room. So how do I spend my first night alone?

Cleaning light switches with toothpaste.

I am so sad.

You've got to start somewhere

First:

Possibly not the greatest reason to start writing, or the most original reason to start writing, but the reason I’m doing it all the same: I'm bored. But by heck you gotta start somewhere don't you? Secondly, whilst there are things that I could do rather than start this (say, walk around the room writing "I’m bored" on all the whiteboards in the room) after about, oh, 30 seconds, I'd still be here, being bored.


So things that annoy me right now:

1. That feeling of being really sleepy in the afternoon because you ordered too much food at lunch, and despite remembering that your eyes and your stomach have never in fact communicated in their lives, thinking that upsizing to the MASSIVE bowl of noodle soup was the only way to go.

2. Knowing that I’m really really really thirsty, but I’m too god damned lazy to walk 20 steps to go get a glass... oh and that I keep dirty glasses on my table and never bother take them to the kitchen. I'm waiting to see if I can do something spectacular, like create a new life form from one the many glasses on my desk now..

3. That I never cared about professional sports before I moved to Britain, and now that I'm here, not only do I avidly watch football, I am not learning that your team doesn't always win (who'd have thought it?) and now wishing I'd never bothered in the first place. (Sol: come back mate.. It can't be that bad..)

4. Wanting to just go home tonight and watch telly rather unsociably, but knowing I'm so unsociable I don't want to go home and have to meet the new people staying in our house for a month. I'll wait and see how long I can hold out and keep dodging them, even though I'm sure that once I know them I’ll really like them (once I get over my damn laziness of getting to know them)


5. Not being able to think of anything else, because I'm dying of thirst.

Second:

Oh wait, found another thing that annoys me:

6. Joss Stone.

Third:

How can someone hold interviews saying "just because I'm young, doesn't mean I don't know anything about love." then calling her song "Super Dupa Love". I think that clearly shows that YES YOU ARE TOO YOUNG AND TOO ANNOYING.

GGGGGRRRRRRRR having people expecting you to organise EVERTYHING because their too fucking lazy to do it themselves. I'm not your god damned secretary


Those of you who know me, I'm annoyed allot the time. All I can say to you is: Fuck Off.